Thursday, April 3, 2008
Giving Clubs? How can WE get one?
Yes, folks, NCC's biggest sports teams have special clubs just for people who give them money. Why must this place do all the funny for us? Where is the challenge? WHERE IS OUR GIVING CLUB??
Thursday, March 6, 2008
There are BETTER ways of warning against dangerous drinking. I mean, really.
Being a senior on the school's humor magazine means that I'm supposed to do something spectacular and out there for my final article. I was thinking witty critique on a bunch of the stuff that's wrong/still wrong/newly wrong on campus (my freshmen year the big sport was Ultimate Frisbee- now it's BEAN BAGS). But I was only occasionally feeling bitter enough to be really full of good ideas (although it's been days since the Director of NCC's Wellness Center opened my e-mail on "Why does NCC flood its students with cheap, brightly colored condoms and then refuse to fill birth control prescriptions when there's a full MD on staff? and she still hasn't gotten back to me). This all changed. In the past 2 hours.
Things were going okay with the group project I had to do. Some of the filled-out surveys we're analyzing were SPECTACULARLY stupid but hey, things happen.
NCC's Students for African-American Brotherhood had a fantastic yearly dinner last night and a friend of mine from the library was unanimously elected to their Executive Board. The guys were all warm, polite, dressed in suits, and had wonderful things to say about having a community of friendship and support and NCC, although their "we" poster makes them look like they're all in the mafia. And I *heart* Heaven on Seven catering.
The winter issue of the Kindling came out yesterday and so far no one's posted hate mail and 2 students behind me are giggling over the departmental pick-up lines that one of my freshmen friends collected. Things seemed to be good.
Then I went to lunch today. Oh NCC, what have you gotten yourself into? The whole cafeteria was plastered with beach/tropical themes and covered in signs. Lots and lots of signs. The theme? "BE YOUR OWN LIFEGUARD." The advice? Don't drink too many drinks an hour. Eat a lot while you're drinking. Drink a lot of non-alcoholic drinks because sun, sea water, and alcohol are all dehydrating. Don' t drink in hot tubs; you might pass out. Don't play on hotel balconies or lean on railings. I wish I was making this up!!
The most numerous sign, second only to the humongous life guard banner, was something along the lines of "Have Fun. Be Safe. Come Home." except that the verb was the same for each sentence. So, smart wordy types whose brains are working better than mine, what verb was it? Each sentence was two words, no prepositions. What verb for all 3 makes sense?
They were also, of course, having giveaways. You could either get a bottle insulator shaped like a t-shirt and colored in a gaudy Hawaiian print or a baggie of sun supplies, such as lip balm and sunscreen. Never one for turning down Chapstick, I took the bag without asking any questions and tried not to laugh at the t-shirts the "Safe Spring Break Campaign" people had made up for the event.
But now, having written this, and having spent a period of time in the brightly decorated cafeteria after taking the little white lunch bag, I'm starting to get suspicious. And skeptical. And paranoid. What is in the bag??
Hmmm. Let's see. A thing of Blistex, still in the individually-wrapped box. Never tried it before, should be interesting. Oh wait, is this a small purse/travel-sized bottle of sun screen? No. No, it's not. It's a sunscreen lotion.... towelette? Huh. Apparently you're supposed to rub it all over yourself. Thanks, directions. Oh, and what's this? "Rinse with water to remove." But wait! The "Uses" say that it lasts for "80 minutes of activity in the water or sweating." Guess it takes a lot of rinsing? There is of course a pamphlet giving lots of advice which, surprisingly, actually has better grammar than most of the wellness center flyers and "stall readers" (now called "Fit while you Sit!"). *groan* Some of it's priceless advice includes the hot tub thing: "since pretty much every MTV video makes it look glamorous," water safety: "if the waves look dangerous... they probably are," hotel safety: "don't overcrowd elevators" because malfunctions "cause you to be stuck with really bad elevator music," personal hygiene: "don't go pee in an alley," the sensitive comment of "to avoid a hangover, don't drink so much (duh!)," and "STDS are more embarrassing than a condom!" On to the odd plastic thing. A yellow clearish plastic with a compass smaller than the nail on my pinkie (and I have little hands, too). Part of a keychain (big surprise) that... wait, wait... flashes a blinky red light when you squeeze it!! Oh, boy, NCC! I'll sure be safe now! I won't be like the guy on the back cover of the pamphlet who "stepped into an alley to relieve himself and was kidnapped and dismembered as a human sacrifice by a drug-smuggling cult." Yes, NCC, yes! I will be my own lifeguard, no matter HOW much I've had to drink! And I'll be sure to bring along... wait... what's the last thing in the bag? Oh yes. NCC- your inanity strikes again. It's a cheap Durex condom so brightly colored it must have been designed by or for 4 year olds. *sigh* Unless anyone speaks up soon, I'm grabbing the lip balm and tossing this thing in the trash.
You know the worse part? As long as none of the school's co-eds turn up dead or withdraw from school because of "hospitalization due to drunken stupidity" or officially inform the school that they mixed alcohol with drugs ("especially depressant drugs like GHB" -really, pamphlet? GHB is bad?) or that they got herpes by sleeping with some pool boy or whatever, then the school will declare the "Safe Spring Break Campaign" a success. Something goes wrong? They'll analyze every aspect, declare that the student didn't have enough school spirit to take the campaign seriously, and declare it a success. They find out that every freshmen on campus decided to go drinking because NCC assumed they were going to anyway? As long as none of them end up arrested, in the hospital, or report having slept with suspicious strangers, they can declare this thing a success. There are better ways, NCC. There are better ways.
Here's mine: Yes, it's spring break, people. DON'T BE STUPID!!!
*hugs and kisses*
a Kindling senior
Things were going okay with the group project I had to do. Some of the filled-out surveys we're analyzing were SPECTACULARLY stupid but hey, things happen.
NCC's Students for African-American Brotherhood had a fantastic yearly dinner last night and a friend of mine from the library was unanimously elected to their Executive Board. The guys were all warm, polite, dressed in suits, and had wonderful things to say about having a community of friendship and support and NCC, although their "we" poster makes them look like they're all in the mafia. And I *heart* Heaven on Seven catering.
The winter issue of the Kindling came out yesterday and so far no one's posted hate mail and 2 students behind me are giggling over the departmental pick-up lines that one of my freshmen friends collected. Things seemed to be good.
Then I went to lunch today. Oh NCC, what have you gotten yourself into? The whole cafeteria was plastered with beach/tropical themes and covered in signs. Lots and lots of signs. The theme? "BE YOUR OWN LIFEGUARD." The advice? Don't drink too many drinks an hour. Eat a lot while you're drinking. Drink a lot of non-alcoholic drinks because sun, sea water, and alcohol are all dehydrating. Don' t drink in hot tubs; you might pass out. Don't play on hotel balconies or lean on railings. I wish I was making this up!!
The most numerous sign, second only to the humongous life guard banner, was something along the lines of "Have Fun. Be Safe. Come Home." except that the verb was the same for each sentence. So, smart wordy types whose brains are working better than mine, what verb was it? Each sentence was two words, no prepositions. What verb for all 3 makes sense?
They were also, of course, having giveaways. You could either get a bottle insulator shaped like a t-shirt and colored in a gaudy Hawaiian print or a baggie of sun supplies, such as lip balm and sunscreen. Never one for turning down Chapstick, I took the bag without asking any questions and tried not to laugh at the t-shirts the "Safe Spring Break Campaign" people had made up for the event.
But now, having written this, and having spent a period of time in the brightly decorated cafeteria after taking the little white lunch bag, I'm starting to get suspicious. And skeptical. And paranoid. What is in the bag??
Hmmm. Let's see. A thing of Blistex, still in the individually-wrapped box. Never tried it before, should be interesting. Oh wait, is this a small purse/travel-sized bottle of sun screen? No. No, it's not. It's a sunscreen lotion.... towelette? Huh. Apparently you're supposed to rub it all over yourself. Thanks, directions. Oh, and what's this? "Rinse with water to remove." But wait! The "Uses" say that it lasts for "80 minutes of activity in the water or sweating." Guess it takes a lot of rinsing? There is of course a pamphlet giving lots of advice which, surprisingly, actually has better grammar than most of the wellness center flyers and "stall readers" (now called "Fit while you Sit!"). *groan* Some of it's priceless advice includes the hot tub thing: "since pretty much every MTV video makes it look glamorous," water safety: "if the waves look dangerous... they probably are," hotel safety: "don't overcrowd elevators" because malfunctions "cause you to be stuck with really bad elevator music," personal hygiene: "don't go pee in an alley," the sensitive comment of "to avoid a hangover, don't drink so much (duh!)," and "STDS are more embarrassing than a condom!" On to the odd plastic thing. A yellow clearish plastic with a compass smaller than the nail on my pinkie (and I have little hands, too). Part of a keychain (big surprise) that... wait, wait... flashes a blinky red light when you squeeze it!! Oh, boy, NCC! I'll sure be safe now! I won't be like the guy on the back cover of the pamphlet who "stepped into an alley to relieve himself and was kidnapped and dismembered as a human sacrifice by a drug-smuggling cult." Yes, NCC, yes! I will be my own lifeguard, no matter HOW much I've had to drink! And I'll be sure to bring along... wait... what's the last thing in the bag? Oh yes. NCC- your inanity strikes again. It's a cheap Durex condom so brightly colored it must have been designed by or for 4 year olds. *sigh* Unless anyone speaks up soon, I'm grabbing the lip balm and tossing this thing in the trash.
You know the worse part? As long as none of the school's co-eds turn up dead or withdraw from school because of "hospitalization due to drunken stupidity" or officially inform the school that they mixed alcohol with drugs ("especially depressant drugs like GHB" -really, pamphlet? GHB is bad?) or that they got herpes by sleeping with some pool boy or whatever, then the school will declare the "Safe Spring Break Campaign" a success. Something goes wrong? They'll analyze every aspect, declare that the student didn't have enough school spirit to take the campaign seriously, and declare it a success. They find out that every freshmen on campus decided to go drinking because NCC assumed they were going to anyway? As long as none of them end up arrested, in the hospital, or report having slept with suspicious strangers, they can declare this thing a success. There are better ways, NCC. There are better ways.
Here's mine: Yes, it's spring break, people. DON'T BE STUPID!!!
*hugs and kisses*
a Kindling senior
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Because we're still angry about Bobby Maddex speaking on campus
Now we just need some feminist and literary theory jokes and we'll be all set!
On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
405 Emmet Street South
PO Box 400273
Charlottesville, VA 22904-4273
On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
405 Emmet Street South
PO Box 400273
Charlottesville, VA 22904-4273
The Gay Agenda
Because SOME places are just so sure it exists.
The Gay Agenda
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
More on The Gay Agenda from the perspective of outsiders:
" The Gay Agenda
There is a gay agenda, and the tactics used to advance it have become as hateful as the attitudes of the alleged bigots that gay activists oppose.
The gay agenda is not a secret document. It was first published in a 1985 article by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen in the gay magazine Christopher Street. There was no initial enthusiasm for this agenda in the gay community. In fact, some gays considered the proposed tactics fraudulent and demeaning. But a 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy galvanized many activists."
Um... okay?
The Gay Agenda
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
More on The Gay Agenda from the perspective of outsiders:
" The Gay Agenda
There is a gay agenda, and the tactics used to advance it have become as hateful as the attitudes of the alleged bigots that gay activists oppose.
The gay agenda is not a secret document. It was first published in a 1985 article by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen in the gay magazine Christopher Street. There was no initial enthusiasm for this agenda in the gay community. In fact, some gays considered the proposed tactics fraudulent and demeaning. But a 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy galvanized many activists."
Um... okay?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
WebMD...not just for symptoms anymore!
So I was cruising around WedMD today trying to figure out if I had mono or not, when the Top 12 Health Topics for Men caught my eye.
They were:
1. Prostate Cancer (Understandable)
2. Weight Lifting (...k)
3. Chantix Warning (No clue what that is, but it sounds legitimate)
4. 'Cloverfield' Illness (...WHAT?!)
5. Male Enhancement (Of course)
6. Lose the Gut (Again, understandable)
7. Virtual Sex (LOL WHAT?!)
8. Soda Risk (When Dr. Pepper goes bad)
9. Heart Attack Symptoms (Very good to know)
10. Walnuts (They're killers! Really!)
11. Low Libido (Awwww)
12. Testosterone
I told this to one of my friends, and she said, "So clearly people only use WebMD for sex and ridiculously stupid problems."
Still intrigued, I clicked on the link to "Virtual Sex". I still can't decided if it's hilarious or awful. You'll have to be your own judge and decide.
-- Mandy
They were:
1. Prostate Cancer (Understandable)
2. Weight Lifting (...k)
3. Chantix Warning (No clue what that is, but it sounds legitimate)
4. 'Cloverfield' Illness (...WHAT?!)
5. Male Enhancement (Of course)
6. Lose the Gut (Again, understandable)
7. Virtual Sex (LOL WHAT?!)
8. Soda Risk (When Dr. Pepper goes bad)
9. Heart Attack Symptoms (Very good to know)
10. Walnuts (They're killers! Really!)
11. Low Libido (Awwww)
12. Testosterone
I told this to one of my friends, and she said, "So clearly people only use WebMD for sex and ridiculously stupid problems."
Still intrigued, I clicked on the link to "Virtual Sex". I still can't decided if it's hilarious or awful. You'll have to be your own judge and decide.
-- Mandy
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
AV Club, I love you. And not just because "Savage Love" is the only thing that makes me feel normal.
Stupid, Fear-Mongering Questions Asked By The Laughing Face Of Oprah
posted by: Amelie Gillette
February 8, 2008 - 4:02pm
Success can be measured by many means: wealth, influence, power, whether or not you can make a convincing case for owning a particular letter of the alphabet. But the true measure of success is being able juxtapose your smiling, utterly breezy visage with a ridiculous, fear-mongering question in an advertisement for your unstoppably popular talk show.
"Ha ha ha! Are you fat because you're dirty? Or dirty because you're fat? Ha Ha Ha This wind machine tickles! Tee-hee-hee! Watch my show."
More at http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/stupid_fear_mongering_questions
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Did you actually check us out?
Welcome, welcome, welcome! If you are here because you not only READ the article about us, but actually LOOKED UP the link they included in the depths of the 4th column, then we would like to take this special chance to salute you. You're witty, you're charming, devastatingly attractive AND intelligent, and we are tickled pink (and blue and orange and yellow and purple) that you are here. So, please, dive on in, comment deeply, flame us liberally (if that's your inclination), this is your playground. And if you're inspired by what you read here, join us! If you're a student, e-mail your article to any of our devastatingly attractive editors. If you don't want to actually write for us, you can still send us blog entries. If you're a playboy millionaire wishing to preserve your anonymity, message the administrator of the official Kindling Facebook group and we'd be more than happy to put it up for you with any pseudonym you'd like.
Want to know more about what the blog is about and why we write in it? Well, we could give you some cliched B.S. about how we just have TOO MANY IDEAS for our thrice-yearly issue and the enormous profusion of time-dependent jokes (V-day is coming up!) and such, but the truth is much deeper and more complicated. In fact, it's almost exactly what has already been described for the webcomic Sinfest:
" I have discovered a way to live life in a state of perpetual orgasmic ecstasy, unbothered by the cruel vagaries of life. It's perfectly legal, no drugs involved, no crazy meditation regimen, no change in diet or beliefs or lifestyle. It's healthy, no side effects, no hangover, just pure bliss round the clock, 24/7. Problem is, I can't articulate the secret method in words. There's no verbal way to demonstrate how I've achieved this state. As much as I'd like to disclose the mystery to you all it resists all known forms of communication. Except one. The comic strip."
Only Kindlingers know that "I" is supposed to be "we" and when he said "comic strip" he really meant "blog." THIS blog. Welcome.... and keep reading.
Want to know more about what the blog is about and why we write in it? Well, we could give you some cliched B.S. about how we just have TOO MANY IDEAS for our thrice-yearly issue and the enormous profusion of time-dependent jokes (V-day is coming up!) and such, but the truth is much deeper and more complicated. In fact, it's almost exactly what has already been described for the webcomic Sinfest:
" I have discovered a way to live life in a state of perpetual orgasmic ecstasy, unbothered by the cruel vagaries of life. It's perfectly legal, no drugs involved, no crazy meditation regimen, no change in diet or beliefs or lifestyle. It's healthy, no side effects, no hangover, just pure bliss round the clock, 24/7. Problem is, I can't articulate the secret method in words. There's no verbal way to demonstrate how I've achieved this state. As much as I'd like to disclose the mystery to you all it resists all known forms of communication. Except one. The comic strip."
Only Kindlingers know that "I" is supposed to be "we" and when he said "comic strip" he really meant "blog." THIS blog. Welcome.... and keep reading.
The Chronicle Recognizes Our Greatness!
Yes, folks, our long-time rival, the NCC Chronicle has finally bowed to our popularity and overwhelming coolness by doing a snazzy full-page spread on our illustrious magazine in their most recent issure. They sent top-secret operatives to take down witty and entertaining tidbits about our meetings. They sent their sexiest photographer to capture our 3 female editors on a highly productive bathroom break. They even mentioned our blog. And if http://www.nccchronicle.com/ hadn't crashed and burned an untimely death almost 2 years ago, we would link to the article online.
Instead, we'll give you this. Their May 26th, 2006 article about an artist who logs into violent video games in order to type non-violent messages while the true story- the fact that the U.S. Army is using tax money to make video games in the first place- is quickly glossed over as something that some groups have "raised concern" over.
We can only hope that the January 25th issue of this campus staple reflects a new and heightened level of commitment to sophistication and intelligence. Go forth, folks, and read "Klass Klown."
Instead, we'll give you this. Their May 26th, 2006 article about an artist who logs into violent video games in order to type non-violent messages while the true story- the fact that the U.S. Army is using tax money to make video games in the first place- is quickly glossed over as something that some groups have "raised concern" over.
We can only hope that the January 25th issue of this campus staple reflects a new and heightened level of commitment to sophistication and intelligence. Go forth, folks, and read "Klass Klown."
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Hot Wife: lets get it started
If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History
My fellow Americans, in the coming presidential election, the voters of this nation will plot a course for the future. There are many candidates, each of whom brings a different vision of that future. But only one has the conviction and strength to lead this great country. Only one is a popular television and film actor ready to face the challenges of the 21st century head-on. And, most importantly, there is only one candidate with a bombshell trophy wife nearly a quarter-century younger than himself.......http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_elected_i_will_have_the
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Presidential theme songs
Alright, kidoodles. After a long and soundtracked thought process, I've decided that the victory songs for presidential candidates are FAR too lame. I swear, if I hear Bruce Springsteen or U2 one more time, I may explode. We get it--YOU LIKE AMERICA. Since I'm feeling helpful, though, I've decided to give one candidate per week some sage song advice. Because really, "Where the Streets Have No Name" won't help you win my heart, you crazy White House hopefuls.
Ladies first, my friends.
Hillary Clinton: Loads of people think you don't have a soul, so you have got to show them that you at least can listen to women that have one. To put on the "victory shuffle" setting for your iPod: Aretha Franklin, The Supremes, and Amy Winehouse. Hearing a crack whore wail over the blue and red confetti will win you votes in the blue states.
Ladies first, my friends.
Hillary Clinton: Loads of people think you don't have a soul, so you have got to show them that you at least can listen to women that have one. To put on the "victory shuffle" setting for your iPod: Aretha Franklin, The Supremes, and Amy Winehouse. Hearing a crack whore wail over the blue and red confetti will win you votes in the blue states.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monkey Whores?
Do Monkeys Pay for Sex?
"It turns out that one of humanity's oldest professions may be even older than we thought: In a recent study of macaque monkeys in Indonesia, researchers found that male primates "paid" for sexual access to females — and that the going rate for such access dwindled as the number of available females went up......"You know you want to read the rest:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1700821,00.html?cnn=yes
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wiictionary
To initiate newb losers into the Wiidom revealed by the wiilease of our new advice column, we here at the Kindling have generously complied a wiicabulary of essential words that all wiicruits need to know. Warning, improper use of these terms around wiiligious followers will result in the wiitard designation of “l0s3r sux0r n00b.”
* Chwiistmas: November 19, 2006
* Desert Wiigle: just think of your wiimote in this fashion and it will all be a lot more fun
* hiihii: the manner in which one giggles in wiiality and the Wiipublic
* Nintendo Thwii: hypothetical name for Nintendo's 7th generation console.
PSWii: 1)The console Sony wished they created 2) the name that should have been given to PS3 when they stole the idea of motion-sensitive controllers from Nintendo
* wiiality: the state of existance imposed on an individual while playing Nintendo Wii
* wiicruit: an individual who has given their gaming devotion to Nintendo Wii, especially in cases in which the individual in question was not previously a fan of Nintendo.
* wiid: highly addictive substance housed within the Nintendo Wii. The cause of gaming addiction in the Wiipublic.
* wiideologist: a believer in wiideology
* wiideology: the basic concept behind the Nintendo Wii (funner gaming for a cheaper price)
* The Wiiformation: the change in gaming initiated by the Wiivolution
* wiiformist: one who knows the Nintendo Wii will revolutionize gaming and an active member of the Wiiformation
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiii: exclamitory remark expressing delight somehow derived from Nintendo Wii
* Wiiligion: religious affiliation in which one's central figure of reverance is the Nintendo Wii and official faith of the Wiipublic
* wiiligious: the manifestation of devout faith in Wiiligion
* The Wiipublic: gaming nation formed because of the Wiivolution and to be presided over by none other than Nintendo Wii. However, the nature its government will resemble more of a dictatorship than of a democracy.
* wiisel: one who questions the gaming prowess of the Wii
* Wiitaliano: official language of the Wiipublic
wiitard: Someone who does something incredibly stupid for Nintendo Wii (like... camping outside of Target for 25 hours in the high winds and snow the weekend before finals...)
* wiithdrawl: the state in which one's sanity is dependant upon owning and/or playing a Nintendo Wii
* The Wiither: a subdivision of Heaven where dead gamers live in paradise by playing Nintendo Wii.
The Wiivolution: The gaming revolution initiated by Nintendo Wii
Different Presidential Platform Ideas
Students who get good grades get all their expenses paid by the government. Those who get F’s due to excessive partying get fined for wasting everybody’s time.
Mandatory IQ tests for all would-be parents. Until then, all men will be in chastity belts from ages 12-20 when they can start testing to be eligible for parenthood.
Mandatory fun time! Set number of hours a week when everyone must either slow down and relax or kick it up and party! This will reduce tension, disagreements, stress levels, health care costs, and the extreme crime of taking one’s self too seriously.
For every major paper or test a teacher assigns, he or she must provide treats one day for the entire class.
If I am elected, I will eliminate the minimum drinking age and all IQ tests will be performed when individuals are absolutely wasted!
I will institute a free market economy in the cafeteria; whichever food kiosk you eat at gets your flex dollars for that meal. Those who don’t get chosen get replaced.
All hail the holy Long baby!
Political news brief
Republicans still can’t keep it in their pants. After the astonishing revelation that Newt Gingrich had an extramarital affair during the entire time he was calling for Clinton New York mayor Rudy Guilani, has taken on the mantle of Fat Ugly Dickheads Also Get Laid (FUDAGL) and has as its mission, “to prove that there are skanks out there who will lift up their skirts for any man in power” and its motto is “Clinton
Haiku to the SmartBoard:
White lonely Smart Board
Turn your back, its screen grows dim
Touch it to restore life
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
A tragic story that's trauma only increases during finals...
Tragedy continues to strike female NCC students!
In a heartbreaking continuation of events, skanky co-eds have reported a complete inability to earn some special “extra credit” from any of their professors. Despite their continued searching, not a single professor, male or female, has turned out to be “lonely” and willing to provide “one-on-one tutoring” to help students get their grade up. Most drastic of all, even the older married professors who surely should be going through mid-life crises right about now, still maintain that they are in love with their wives. Their wives, for crissake! 40, 50, possibly 60 year old graying matrons, pooched out from childbirth, decades of wedded life, and a staid existence on a professor’s salary! How could they possibly compete in any way to young, nubile, co-eds, eager to learn, please, and achieve at least a C on their midterm? It’s a sorry, crying shame when even rich
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Poppies VS Minefields.....
...will the army train giant pouched rats?
No matter what we do or say or write, real life will always beat us out in the realm of teh funny.
www.apopo.org
No matter what we do or say or write, real life will always beat us out in the realm of teh funny.
www.apopo.org
Monday, November 12, 2007
Chartwells Conspiracy: This One May Actually Exist!
by The Hungry Proletariat
The rumors started early. Whispers went around campus that recent staff changes in Kaufman, the Cage, and the Boiler House were not a result of retirement or graduation, but of an insidious and oppressive new regime inside Chartwells. The rumor itself claimed that any Chartwells employee that talked to media types could and would be fired for doing so. What REALLY blew this Kindling staffer’s mind was that even the Chronicle and the Kindling was included as ‘media’! Is that paranoid or what? Kindling vowed to get to the heart of the matter… until we realized that doing so would dash forever our desperate hopes that someday, somehow, someone might give us free food. So we sacrificed our investigation on the altar of longing daydreams and carefully avoided asking anybody anything. Instead we stared at the menu and took pictures. And it was there that we learned all that we need to know. So if you go into the Cage one day soon and the giant sign above the counter is mysteriously absent… you’ll know why. An observer as careful and astute (or just as frequent) as the average Kindling staffer will not that one of the dirtiest secrets of this year’s Chartwells agenda is printed quite clearly on the board. Which is, s***’s expensive. Way expensive. This Kindling staffer was charged $4.10 for four scrawny, breaded chicken strips. Now, usually, such a price brings with it a delicious double side of French fries or fruit and jello for the health nuts, along with a large Styrofoam-encased soft drink, giver of life, sugar, and caffeine. But not anymore. The conspiracy has stripped it away leaving the hungry co-ed out $4.10 with nothing but 4 little strips of deep-fried meat. The math major we keep in the closet to do all our calculating told us that each strip cost us $1.025. For a CHICKEN STRIP. Meanwhile the BK down the road is having 59 and 69 cent specials on hamburgers and cheeseburgers every Tuesday. And if you’re too much of a health nut to care about deep fried goodness, get this: you’ll get charged as much as $3 a side for fruit. FRUIT! That stuff that grows on trees and rots within two days of picking it. Seriously, Chartwells, what the hell? What happened to our combos? What happened to making a meal of it for $1.59 (oops, can’t remember the exact number) more? Kaufman’s pleasantly distracted us all with its surprising array of edible vegetarian dishes (what happened to rice and beans 5 times a week) but then the daily stirfry at lunch was taken away. Why? There was always lots of people who wanted it; even after almost a full year of it there’d still be lines. The Boiler House staff makes Starbucks drinks with Starbucks coffee, and yet doesn’t get the advantage of Starbucks-size tips because they work… dun dun dun.. for Chartwell’s. What’s really going on here? Where the *bleep* is my combo? Why the heck won’t anybody slip me free food every now and again? I’m starving here!
The rumors started early. Whispers went around campus that recent staff changes in Kaufman, the Cage, and the Boiler House were not a result of retirement or graduation, but of an insidious and oppressive new regime inside Chartwells. The rumor itself claimed that any Chartwells employee that talked to media types could and would be fired for doing so. What REALLY blew this Kindling staffer’s mind was that even the Chronicle and the Kindling was included as ‘media’! Is that paranoid or what? Kindling vowed to get to the heart of the matter… until we realized that doing so would dash forever our desperate hopes that someday, somehow, someone might give us free food. So we sacrificed our investigation on the altar of longing daydreams and carefully avoided asking anybody anything. Instead we stared at the menu and took pictures. And it was there that we learned all that we need to know. So if you go into the Cage one day soon and the giant sign above the counter is mysteriously absent… you’ll know why. An observer as careful and astute (or just as frequent) as the average Kindling staffer will not that one of the dirtiest secrets of this year’s Chartwells agenda is printed quite clearly on the board. Which is, s***’s expensive. Way expensive. This Kindling staffer was charged $4.10 for four scrawny, breaded chicken strips. Now, usually, such a price brings with it a delicious double side of French fries or fruit and jello for the health nuts, along with a large Styrofoam-encased soft drink, giver of life, sugar, and caffeine. But not anymore. The conspiracy has stripped it away leaving the hungry co-ed out $4.10 with nothing but 4 little strips of deep-fried meat. The math major we keep in the closet to do all our calculating told us that each strip cost us $1.025. For a CHICKEN STRIP. Meanwhile the BK down the road is having 59 and 69 cent specials on hamburgers and cheeseburgers every Tuesday. And if you’re too much of a health nut to care about deep fried goodness, get this: you’ll get charged as much as $3 a side for fruit. FRUIT! That stuff that grows on trees and rots within two days of picking it. Seriously, Chartwells, what the hell? What happened to our combos? What happened to making a meal of it for $1.59 (oops, can’t remember the exact number) more? Kaufman’s pleasantly distracted us all with its surprising array of edible vegetarian dishes (what happened to rice and beans 5 times a week) but then the daily stirfry at lunch was taken away. Why? There was always lots of people who wanted it; even after almost a full year of it there’d still be lines. The Boiler House staff makes Starbucks drinks with Starbucks coffee, and yet doesn’t get the advantage of Starbucks-size tips because they work… dun dun dun.. for Chartwell’s. What’s really going on here? Where the *bleep* is my combo? Why the heck won’t anybody slip me free food every now and again? I’m starving here!
Sidewalks Sweeping School!
by Faith Harrington-Taber
In a sudden and spastic response to the summer like weather, NCC’s sidewalks are reproducing at a sudden rate! Although the removal of the heavily used expansion to Kaufman’s main walk prompted hopes of a decrease in the concrete slabs of campus, the warm weather at the beginning of the term has decimated all hopes. The sidewalks are indeed repopulating, intent on completing their hostile take-over of NCC’s green areas by 2010. The newest conquests were carved into the lush and highly prized grass of Jefferson Plaza during 4th week. Back when it was Seager Lot, this noble and distinguished area of greenery could easily defend against the invasion by taking strength in its renowned reputation as a place of social interaction, string bikini tanning, and endless games of Ultimate Frisbee. But with its intrinsic nature permanently altered by its snotty and hoi polloi name change, the concrete conquerors were easily able to subdue all arguments with talk of the sleek, clean look of concrete, the respectability of squares, and a belief that worn paths through the grass are a mark of ill breeding. So thoroughly was the once independent land of Jefferson Plaza trounced by this argument that not one, but TWO sidewalks were able to mark new territory, its greatest defeat in many years. And why didn’t any nearby grassy patches come to its defense, you may ask? Because they were all disheartened by the failure of Kaufman grass to reclaim its triangles and caught off guard by the second replacement of perfectly serviceable sidewalks outside Seager. Up next? Once the highly suspect “re-landscaping” outside Goldspohn is finished, plans are in place to once again restrain the lovely former field in front of the library with yet another crisscross of dull and oppressive concrete squares. Vive la grass revolution!
In a sudden and spastic response to the summer like weather, NCC’s sidewalks are reproducing at a sudden rate! Although the removal of the heavily used expansion to Kaufman’s main walk prompted hopes of a decrease in the concrete slabs of campus, the warm weather at the beginning of the term has decimated all hopes. The sidewalks are indeed repopulating, intent on completing their hostile take-over of NCC’s green areas by 2010. The newest conquests were carved into the lush and highly prized grass of Jefferson Plaza during 4th week. Back when it was Seager Lot, this noble and distinguished area of greenery could easily defend against the invasion by taking strength in its renowned reputation as a place of social interaction, string bikini tanning, and endless games of Ultimate Frisbee. But with its intrinsic nature permanently altered by its snotty and hoi polloi name change, the concrete conquerors were easily able to subdue all arguments with talk of the sleek, clean look of concrete, the respectability of squares, and a belief that worn paths through the grass are a mark of ill breeding. So thoroughly was the once independent land of Jefferson Plaza trounced by this argument that not one, but TWO sidewalks were able to mark new territory, its greatest defeat in many years. And why didn’t any nearby grassy patches come to its defense, you may ask? Because they were all disheartened by the failure of Kaufman grass to reclaim its triangles and caught off guard by the second replacement of perfectly serviceable sidewalks outside Seager. Up next? Once the highly suspect “re-landscaping” outside Goldspohn is finished, plans are in place to once again restrain the lovely former field in front of the library with yet another crisscross of dull and oppressive concrete squares. Vive la grass revolution!
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