Now we just need some feminist and literary theory jokes and we'll be all set!
On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
405 Emmet Street South
PO Box 400273
Charlottesville, VA 22904-4273
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Gay Agenda
Because SOME places are just so sure it exists.
The Gay Agenda
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
More on The Gay Agenda from the perspective of outsiders:
" The Gay Agenda
There is a gay agenda, and the tactics used to advance it have become as hateful as the attitudes of the alleged bigots that gay activists oppose.
The gay agenda is not a secret document. It was first published in a 1985 article by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen in the gay magazine Christopher Street. There was no initial enthusiasm for this agenda in the gay community. In fact, some gays considered the proposed tactics fraudulent and demeaning. But a 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy galvanized many activists."
Um... okay?
The Gay Agenda
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
More on The Gay Agenda from the perspective of outsiders:
" The Gay Agenda
There is a gay agenda, and the tactics used to advance it have become as hateful as the attitudes of the alleged bigots that gay activists oppose.
The gay agenda is not a secret document. It was first published in a 1985 article by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen in the gay magazine Christopher Street. There was no initial enthusiasm for this agenda in the gay community. In fact, some gays considered the proposed tactics fraudulent and demeaning. But a 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy galvanized many activists."
Um... okay?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
WebMD...not just for symptoms anymore!
So I was cruising around WedMD today trying to figure out if I had mono or not, when the Top 12 Health Topics for Men caught my eye.
They were:
1. Prostate Cancer (Understandable)
2. Weight Lifting (...k)
3. Chantix Warning (No clue what that is, but it sounds legitimate)
4. 'Cloverfield' Illness (...WHAT?!)
5. Male Enhancement (Of course)
6. Lose the Gut (Again, understandable)
7. Virtual Sex (LOL WHAT?!)
8. Soda Risk (When Dr. Pepper goes bad)
9. Heart Attack Symptoms (Very good to know)
10. Walnuts (They're killers! Really!)
11. Low Libido (Awwww)
12. Testosterone
I told this to one of my friends, and she said, "So clearly people only use WebMD for sex and ridiculously stupid problems."
Still intrigued, I clicked on the link to "Virtual Sex". I still can't decided if it's hilarious or awful. You'll have to be your own judge and decide.
-- Mandy
They were:
1. Prostate Cancer (Understandable)
2. Weight Lifting (...k)
3. Chantix Warning (No clue what that is, but it sounds legitimate)
4. 'Cloverfield' Illness (...WHAT?!)
5. Male Enhancement (Of course)
6. Lose the Gut (Again, understandable)
7. Virtual Sex (LOL WHAT?!)
8. Soda Risk (When Dr. Pepper goes bad)
9. Heart Attack Symptoms (Very good to know)
10. Walnuts (They're killers! Really!)
11. Low Libido (Awwww)
12. Testosterone
I told this to one of my friends, and she said, "So clearly people only use WebMD for sex and ridiculously stupid problems."
Still intrigued, I clicked on the link to "Virtual Sex". I still can't decided if it's hilarious or awful. You'll have to be your own judge and decide.
-- Mandy
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
AV Club, I love you. And not just because "Savage Love" is the only thing that makes me feel normal.
Stupid, Fear-Mongering Questions Asked By The Laughing Face Of Oprah
posted by: Amelie Gillette
February 8, 2008 - 4:02pm
Success can be measured by many means: wealth, influence, power, whether or not you can make a convincing case for owning a particular letter of the alphabet. But the true measure of success is being able juxtapose your smiling, utterly breezy visage with a ridiculous, fear-mongering question in an advertisement for your unstoppably popular talk show.
"Ha ha ha! Are you fat because you're dirty? Or dirty because you're fat? Ha Ha Ha This wind machine tickles! Tee-hee-hee! Watch my show."
More at http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/stupid_fear_mongering_questions
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Did you actually check us out?
Welcome, welcome, welcome! If you are here because you not only READ the article about us, but actually LOOKED UP the link they included in the depths of the 4th column, then we would like to take this special chance to salute you. You're witty, you're charming, devastatingly attractive AND intelligent, and we are tickled pink (and blue and orange and yellow and purple) that you are here. So, please, dive on in, comment deeply, flame us liberally (if that's your inclination), this is your playground. And if you're inspired by what you read here, join us! If you're a student, e-mail your article to any of our devastatingly attractive editors. If you don't want to actually write for us, you can still send us blog entries. If you're a playboy millionaire wishing to preserve your anonymity, message the administrator of the official Kindling Facebook group and we'd be more than happy to put it up for you with any pseudonym you'd like.
Want to know more about what the blog is about and why we write in it? Well, we could give you some cliched B.S. about how we just have TOO MANY IDEAS for our thrice-yearly issue and the enormous profusion of time-dependent jokes (V-day is coming up!) and such, but the truth is much deeper and more complicated. In fact, it's almost exactly what has already been described for the webcomic Sinfest:
" I have discovered a way to live life in a state of perpetual orgasmic ecstasy, unbothered by the cruel vagaries of life. It's perfectly legal, no drugs involved, no crazy meditation regimen, no change in diet or beliefs or lifestyle. It's healthy, no side effects, no hangover, just pure bliss round the clock, 24/7. Problem is, I can't articulate the secret method in words. There's no verbal way to demonstrate how I've achieved this state. As much as I'd like to disclose the mystery to you all it resists all known forms of communication. Except one. The comic strip."
Only Kindlingers know that "I" is supposed to be "we" and when he said "comic strip" he really meant "blog." THIS blog. Welcome.... and keep reading.
Want to know more about what the blog is about and why we write in it? Well, we could give you some cliched B.S. about how we just have TOO MANY IDEAS for our thrice-yearly issue and the enormous profusion of time-dependent jokes (V-day is coming up!) and such, but the truth is much deeper and more complicated. In fact, it's almost exactly what has already been described for the webcomic Sinfest:
" I have discovered a way to live life in a state of perpetual orgasmic ecstasy, unbothered by the cruel vagaries of life. It's perfectly legal, no drugs involved, no crazy meditation regimen, no change in diet or beliefs or lifestyle. It's healthy, no side effects, no hangover, just pure bliss round the clock, 24/7. Problem is, I can't articulate the secret method in words. There's no verbal way to demonstrate how I've achieved this state. As much as I'd like to disclose the mystery to you all it resists all known forms of communication. Except one. The comic strip."
Only Kindlingers know that "I" is supposed to be "we" and when he said "comic strip" he really meant "blog." THIS blog. Welcome.... and keep reading.
The Chronicle Recognizes Our Greatness!
Yes, folks, our long-time rival, the NCC Chronicle has finally bowed to our popularity and overwhelming coolness by doing a snazzy full-page spread on our illustrious magazine in their most recent issure. They sent top-secret operatives to take down witty and entertaining tidbits about our meetings. They sent their sexiest photographer to capture our 3 female editors on a highly productive bathroom break. They even mentioned our blog. And if http://www.nccchronicle.com/ hadn't crashed and burned an untimely death almost 2 years ago, we would link to the article online.
Instead, we'll give you this. Their May 26th, 2006 article about an artist who logs into violent video games in order to type non-violent messages while the true story- the fact that the U.S. Army is using tax money to make video games in the first place- is quickly glossed over as something that some groups have "raised concern" over.
We can only hope that the January 25th issue of this campus staple reflects a new and heightened level of commitment to sophistication and intelligence. Go forth, folks, and read "Klass Klown."
Instead, we'll give you this. Their May 26th, 2006 article about an artist who logs into violent video games in order to type non-violent messages while the true story- the fact that the U.S. Army is using tax money to make video games in the first place- is quickly glossed over as something that some groups have "raised concern" over.
We can only hope that the January 25th issue of this campus staple reflects a new and heightened level of commitment to sophistication and intelligence. Go forth, folks, and read "Klass Klown."
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