Being a senior on the school's humor magazine means that I'm supposed to do something spectacular and out there for my final article. I was thinking witty critique on a bunch of the stuff that's wrong/still wrong/newly wrong on campus (my freshmen year the big sport was Ultimate Frisbee- now it's BEAN BAGS). But I was only occasionally feeling bitter enough to be really full of good ideas (although it's been days since the Director of NCC's Wellness Center opened my e-mail on "Why does NCC flood its students with cheap, brightly colored condoms and then refuse to fill birth control prescriptions when there's a full MD on staff? and she still hasn't gotten back to me). This all changed. In the past 2 hours.
Things were going okay with the group project I had to do. Some of the filled-out surveys we're analyzing were SPECTACULARLY stupid but hey, things happen.
NCC's Students for African-American Brotherhood had a fantastic yearly dinner last night and a friend of mine from the library was unanimously elected to their Executive Board. The guys were all warm, polite, dressed in suits, and had wonderful things to say about having a community of friendship and support and NCC, although their "we" poster makes them look like they're all in the mafia. And I *heart* Heaven on Seven catering.
The winter issue of the Kindling came out yesterday and so far no one's posted hate mail and 2 students behind me are giggling over the departmental pick-up lines that one of my freshmen friends collected. Things seemed to be good.
Then I went to lunch today. Oh NCC, what have you gotten yourself into? The whole cafeteria was plastered with beach/tropical themes and covered in signs. Lots and lots of signs. The theme? "BE YOUR OWN LIFEGUARD." The advice? Don't drink too many drinks an hour. Eat a lot while you're drinking. Drink a lot of non-alcoholic drinks because sun, sea water, and alcohol are all dehydrating. Don' t drink in hot tubs; you might pass out. Don't play on hotel balconies or lean on railings. I wish I was making this up!!
The most numerous sign, second only to the humongous life guard banner, was something along the lines of "Have Fun. Be Safe. Come Home." except that the verb was the same for each sentence. So, smart wordy types whose brains are working better than mine, what verb was it? Each sentence was two words, no prepositions. What verb for all 3 makes sense?
They were also, of course, having giveaways. You could either get a bottle insulator shaped like a t-shirt and colored in a gaudy Hawaiian print or a baggie of sun supplies, such as lip balm and sunscreen. Never one for turning down Chapstick, I took the bag without asking any questions and tried not to laugh at the t-shirts the "Safe Spring Break Campaign" people had made up for the event.
But now, having written this, and having spent a period of time in the brightly decorated cafeteria after taking the little white lunch bag, I'm starting to get suspicious. And skeptical. And paranoid. What is in the bag??
Hmmm. Let's see. A thing of Blistex, still in the individually-wrapped box. Never tried it before, should be interesting. Oh wait, is this a small purse/travel-sized bottle of sun screen? No. No, it's not. It's a sunscreen lotion.... towelette? Huh. Apparently you're supposed to rub it all over yourself. Thanks, directions. Oh, and what's this? "Rinse with water to remove." But wait! The "Uses" say that it lasts for "80 minutes of activity in the water or sweating." Guess it takes a lot of rinsing? There is of course a pamphlet giving lots of advice which, surprisingly, actually has better grammar than most of the wellness center flyers and "stall readers" (now called "Fit while you Sit!"). *groan* Some of it's priceless advice includes the hot tub thing: "since pretty much every MTV video makes it look glamorous," water safety: "if the waves look dangerous... they probably are," hotel safety: "don't overcrowd elevators" because malfunctions "cause you to be stuck with really bad elevator music," personal hygiene: "don't go pee in an alley," the sensitive comment of "to avoid a hangover, don't drink so much (duh!)," and "STDS are more embarrassing than a condom!" On to the odd plastic thing. A yellow clearish plastic with a compass smaller than the nail on my pinkie (and I have little hands, too). Part of a keychain (big surprise) that... wait, wait... flashes a blinky red light when you squeeze it!! Oh, boy, NCC! I'll sure be safe now! I won't be like the guy on the back cover of the pamphlet who "stepped into an alley to relieve himself and was kidnapped and dismembered as a human sacrifice by a drug-smuggling cult." Yes, NCC, yes! I will be my own lifeguard, no matter HOW much I've had to drink! And I'll be sure to bring along... wait... what's the last thing in the bag? Oh yes. NCC- your inanity strikes again. It's a cheap Durex condom so brightly colored it must have been designed by or for 4 year olds. *sigh* Unless anyone speaks up soon, I'm grabbing the lip balm and tossing this thing in the trash.
You know the worse part? As long as none of the school's co-eds turn up dead or withdraw from school because of "hospitalization due to drunken stupidity" or officially inform the school that they mixed alcohol with drugs ("especially depressant drugs like GHB" -really, pamphlet? GHB is bad?) or that they got herpes by sleeping with some pool boy or whatever, then the school will declare the "Safe Spring Break Campaign" a success. Something goes wrong? They'll analyze every aspect, declare that the student didn't have enough school spirit to take the campaign seriously, and declare it a success. They find out that every freshmen on campus decided to go drinking because NCC assumed they were going to anyway? As long as none of them end up arrested, in the hospital, or report having slept with suspicious strangers, they can declare this thing a success. There are better ways, NCC. There are better ways.
Here's mine: Yes, it's spring break, people. DON'T BE STUPID!!!
*hugs and kisses*
a Kindling senior
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Because we're still angry about Bobby Maddex speaking on campus
Now we just need some feminist and literary theory jokes and we'll be all set!
On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
405 Emmet Street South
PO Box 400273
Charlottesville, VA 22904-4273
On her radio show, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4. Lev.25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's Word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
405 Emmet Street South
PO Box 400273
Charlottesville, VA 22904-4273
The Gay Agenda
Because SOME places are just so sure it exists.
The Gay Agenda
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
More on The Gay Agenda from the perspective of outsiders:
" The Gay Agenda
There is a gay agenda, and the tactics used to advance it have become as hateful as the attitudes of the alleged bigots that gay activists oppose.
The gay agenda is not a secret document. It was first published in a 1985 article by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen in the gay magazine Christopher Street. There was no initial enthusiasm for this agenda in the gay community. In fact, some gays considered the proposed tactics fraudulent and demeaning. But a 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy galvanized many activists."
Um... okay?
The Gay Agenda
I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:
6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.
2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)"
More on The Gay Agenda from the perspective of outsiders:
" The Gay Agenda
There is a gay agenda, and the tactics used to advance it have become as hateful as the attitudes of the alleged bigots that gay activists oppose.
The gay agenda is not a secret document. It was first published in a 1985 article by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen in the gay magazine Christopher Street. There was no initial enthusiasm for this agenda in the gay community. In fact, some gays considered the proposed tactics fraudulent and demeaning. But a 1986 U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy galvanized many activists."
Um... okay?
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