Wiictionary

To initiate newb losers into the Wiidom revealed by the wiilease of our new advice column, we here at the Kindling have generously complied a wiicabulary of essential words that all wiicruits need to know. Warning, improper use of these terms around wiiligious followers will result in the wiitard designation of “l0s3r sux0r n00b.”

* Chwiistmas: November 19, 2006

* Desert Wiigle: just think of your wiimote in this fashion and it will all be a lot more fun

* hiihii: the manner in which one giggles in wiiality and the Wiipublic

* Nintendo Thwii: hypothetical name for Nintendo's 7th generation console.

PSWii: 1)The console Sony wished they created 2) the name that should have been given to PS3 when they stole the idea of motion-sensitive controllers from Nintendo

* wiiality: the state of existance imposed on an individual while playing Nintendo Wii

* wiicruit: an individual who has given their gaming devotion to Nintendo Wii, especially in cases in which the individual in question was not previously a fan of Nintendo.

* wiid: highly addictive substance housed within the Nintendo Wii. The cause of gaming addiction in the Wiipublic.

* wiideologist: a believer in wiideology

* wiideology: the basic concept behind the Nintendo Wii (funner gaming for a cheaper price)

* The Wiiformation: the change in gaming initiated by the Wiivolution

* wiiformist: one who knows the Nintendo Wii will revolutionize gaming and an active member of the Wiiformation

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiii: exclamitory remark expressing delight somehow derived from Nintendo Wii

* Wiiligion: religious affiliation in which one's central figure of reverance is the Nintendo Wii and official faith of the Wiipublic

* wiiligious: the manifestation of devout faith in Wiiligion

* The Wiipublic: gaming nation formed because of the Wiivolution and to be presided over by none other than Nintendo Wii. However, the nature its government will resemble more of a dictatorship than of a democracy.

* wiisel: one who questions the gaming prowess of the Wii

* Wiitaliano: official language of the Wiipublic

wiitard: Someone who does something incredibly stupid for Nintendo Wii (like... camping outside of Target for 25 hours in the high winds and snow the weekend before finals...)

* wiithdrawl: the state in which one's sanity is dependant upon owning and/or playing a Nintendo Wii

* The Wiither: a subdivision of Heaven where dead gamers live in paradise by playing Nintendo Wii.

The Wiivolution: The gaming revolution initiated by Nintendo Wii

Different Presidential Platform Ideas

Students who get good grades get all their expenses paid by the government. Those who get F’s due to excessive partying get fined for wasting everybody’s time.

Mandatory IQ tests for all would-be parents. Until then, all men will be in chastity belts from ages 12-20 when they can start testing to be eligible for parenthood.

Mandatory fun time! Set number of hours a week when everyone must either slow down and relax or kick it up and party! This will reduce tension, disagreements, stress levels, health care costs, and the extreme crime of taking one’s self too seriously.

For every major paper or test a teacher assigns, he or she must provide treats one day for the entire class.

If I am elected, I will eliminate the minimum drinking age and all IQ tests will be performed when individuals are absolutely wasted!

I will institute a free market economy in the cafeteria; whichever food kiosk you eat at gets your flex dollars for that meal. Those who don’t get chosen get replaced.

All hail the holy Long baby!

Political news brief

Republicans still can’t keep it in their pants. After the astonishing revelation that Newt Gingrich had an extramarital affair during the entire time he was calling for Clinton’s impeachment, fellow senior republicans stepped forward to admit that yes, they too can get women to have sex with them. This movement, spearheaded by former New York mayor Rudy Guilani, has taken on the mantle of Fat Ugly Dickheads Also Get Laid (FUDAGL) and has as its mission, “to prove that there are skanks out there who will lift up their skirts for any man in power” and its motto is “Clinton has nothing on us.” Its coverboy and full-time employee after his resignation from Congress is one Mark Foley who released this statement to the media on Friday: “We aim to show Americans everywhere that you don’t have to be smooth, cultured, intelligent, popular, open-minded, a good politician, or have any sort of looks or redeeming talent whatsoever in order to get laid if you’re in politics. You just need two handfuls of singles provided by unsuspecting taxpayers.”

Haiku to the SmartBoard:

White lonely Smart Board

Turn your back, its screen grows dim

Touch it to restore life