Political news brief

Republicans still can’t keep it in their pants. After the astonishing revelation that Newt Gingrich had an extramarital affair during the entire time he was calling for Clinton’s impeachment, fellow senior republicans stepped forward to admit that yes, they too can get women to have sex with them. This movement, spearheaded by former New York mayor Rudy Guilani, has taken on the mantle of Fat Ugly Dickheads Also Get Laid (FUDAGL) and has as its mission, “to prove that there are skanks out there who will lift up their skirts for any man in power” and its motto is “Clinton has nothing on us.” Its coverboy and full-time employee after his resignation from Congress is one Mark Foley who released this statement to the media on Friday: “We aim to show Americans everywhere that you don’t have to be smooth, cultured, intelligent, popular, open-minded, a good politician, or have any sort of looks or redeeming talent whatsoever in order to get laid if you’re in politics. You just need two handfuls of singles provided by unsuspecting taxpayers.”