A tragic story that's trauma only increases during finals...

Tragedy continues to strike female NCC students!

In a heartbreaking continuation of events, skanky co-eds have reported a complete inability to earn some special “extra credit” from any of their professors. Despite their continued searching, not a single professor, male or female, has turned out to be “lonely” and willing to provide “one-on-one tutoring” to help students get their grade up. Most drastic of all, even the older married professors who surely should be going through mid-life crises right about now, still maintain that they are in love with their wives. Their wives, for crissake! 40, 50, possibly 60 year old graying matrons, pooched out from childbirth, decades of wedded life, and a staid existence on a professor’s salary! How could they possibly compete in any way to young, nubile, co-eds, eager to learn, please, and achieve at least a C on their midterm? It’s a sorry, crying shame when even rich Laguna Beach wannabes can’t use their designer slut outfits and “daddy’s little girl” attitudes to win a few extra points in class. What are their parents paying all the big books for? Why would these unfortunate, repressed co-eds attend such a high-quality institution if they were actually expected to do some work? This may be the end of life as we know it. If something isn’t done soon, those nerdy academics and star jocks might be the only ones getting the good grades. For shame.